Guidelines to Fat Jokes

FJOverused and under-appreciated, fat jokes can be the highlight of any dull moment. But just like fedoras, they can be tricky and should not be tried by everyone (or anyone). Unlike fedoras, they are fashionable and can be used to help you with your social life.

The simple question “Is that a fat joke?” has made me the person I am today.

Fat jokes (FJ) can make or break new friendships. Thus, I have constructed a list to help you succeed with your circle of friends. Trust me, I have a short lifetime of knowledge on being the big girl making the FJs.

  • Be big. If you are large and in charge, FJs are ours for the taking. Enjoy them. Not everyone gets to seize the opportunity. Note: Big butts don’t permit FJs, but do permit phat jokes (PJs).
  • Size does matter. If you are not of the appropriate size, FJs are only acceptable if the big people in the room are willing to embrace them. If you are a twig, it is never OK for you to make an FJ. Ever. That is like Paula Deen at the BET Awards. It’s uncomfortable for everyone. If you are in the healthy weight range then check your surroundings and ask yourself three questions: Will I offend people? Will the people I am with think I am joking or actually believe I think I am overweight? Is it worth the risk?
  • Do not fish for compliments. Do not use FJs as a way for people to reassure that you are in fact not fat. You are not Regina George. Instead, use FJs after you consume that second round of fish n’ chips. Use them at a baby shower when you are larger than Nicki Minaj’s left butt cheek. Use them when you bend over too quickly to beat the five second rule and your jeans rip. Do not use them as insults.
  • Love more than a fat kid loves cake. Never, I repeat, never use them as ways to make others feel like they are fat. FJs are fun, but when used incorrectly can really damage a person’s self-esteem. There is nothing I find more offensive than a skinny person abusing my privilege of FJs. I earn them with every second helping of chocolate cake I consume. And the easiest way to abuse an FJ is to use it incorrectly. So please, joke responsibly.

For all those daring enough to try FJs, please remember these guidelines next time before you open your big, fat mouth.

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