The Unavoidable Question

What's nextCollege is a wonderful time of life decisions, mistakes and ramen noodles. School work can be tough, but the life of a college student is filled with some of the greatest times that will be cherished forever. Everything is blissfully wonderful until your phone alarm goes off and you are a senior. How did this happen? Who let this happen? Mommy, Daddy, help me?

This sudden realization that the clock is half passed euphoria and ticking quickly to reality makes one truly think about their goals in life. It’s a hard decision, deciding how you want to take your next step in life. Do I go to my hometown or go to an unfamiliar city? Do I accept any job that gets offered or do I really stick it out to find something that I love? So, you’re telling me I really cannot wear a t-shirt everyday out there? Did you say budgeting? Explain.

But thank Beyoncé (my version of “thank god”), there will always be someone lingering around waiting to ask you the most delightful question in the book:

Quote 1It’s inevitable that this question will be asked a multitude of times when a student is rearing the end of their college career. It’s a painful thing to answer. One, you don’t want to seem goalless, and two, you don’t want to lie. Is there a happy medium? No, but I will give you some alternatives.


  • In the words of a poet, “get out, (leave) right now.” JoJo could not have said it any better. Figure out a way to get your clueless butt as far away from this person and as close to food quicker than you can say, “jambalaya.” Here are some things you can say:
    • “It means a lot to me that you care, but excuse me for one moment. I am almost positive I just saw Rosie O’Donnell standing in the distance.”
    • “I am sorry, I didn’t catch that. I can’t hear correctly unless I have consumed a cheeseburger in the last thirty minutes. I will be back.”
    • “Excuse me, I am on fire.” (For this one you need to actually light yourself on fire or it won’t work)
  • Casually slip the person that you are talking to a generous donation of an Abraham Lincoln, while you tell them to keep quiet.
    • If you can’t afford that, a GW will work too.
  • After they ask you the question, begin to yell as if you are in a club with loud, electronic music blasting. Just keep repeating, “I’m sorry I can’t hear you, but this DJ is dope,” until they walk away.
  • Smile at them and nod. If they repeat the question, act like you can’t understand the language they are speaking. Like before, keep up the act until they walk away.
  • I don’t consider a non-truth a lie if it is obviously complete and utter bullshit. So get creative.
    • “Actually, Kim Jong-Un has asked me to be his adviser. We are pretty tight. I am leaving for North Korea the day after graduation.”
    • “I have been asked to be a college student for the rest of my life. It’s some social experience. They are making me take pills to grow a beard. I haven’t had the guts to ask them why yet.”
    • “Thank you for asking, I have actually began the slow process of collecting strands of human hair to create the largest hairball in the world. No two hairs can be from the same person as a symbol of unity and humanity. Do you mind if I have your sample?”
  • Reply with  “I don’t know yet. What was your transition like?”
    • Let’s be honest, if the person who is asking has already passed the college stage in their life, all they want to do is reminisce on their years of debauchery. To that I ask that you please do. College stories show a side of a person that you might not expect to be there.

I understand that there are people who know what their next move is. I applaud you, because that is a hard decision to make and I am truly proud that you have figured it out. For those like me, I know it’s hard to answer when people ask the most unrelenting question there is, but know it is OK to still be finding your niche.

I leave you with a quote that I now live my life by.

Quote 2

So now it’s time for you to “get out, (leave) right now, it’s the end of you and me.”

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A Month in the 21 Club

It has been a month, and I am still 21. Before I decided to tack on another year to my life, I wrote some lines on how being 21 was overrated. For those of you who knew I was being silly, I now understand. See there is this crazy thing that happens when you turn 21, and it is called a reawakening.21club

What I thought was going to happen was that I would be able to go to bars, have a beer with my mom and actually have something to do when I am stuck at an airport. Was I wrong? No. That all happened, and so much more. I have better posture, glossier hair, smoother skin and somehow I smell like cedar wood. Plainly put, I am a new person. I am now Sarah 2.1 and I am invincible.

For those curious what happens when you turn 21 I will help by answering the most common questions according to absolutely no research.

Q. Do you become an adult?

A. Not in the slightest — that would have been devastating. You actually become more immature for a short period if that is possible.

Q. Do you suddenly develop a life plan?

A. No. I was really hoping that was going to happen actually. Sorry mom. I now know  that I don’t ever not want to be 21. Counts for something.

Q. Do your alcohol taste buds change?

A. Without a doubt. I refuse to drink anything that is popular. I will walk around with a beer before I drink it and ask people if they have heard of it. If 2/5 people have heard of it, it’s not going down my facehole and instead being thrown at the bartender for lying. Don’t try to offer me a Coors Light. Unless you are giving it to me for free. Then maybe I will drink it. I will drink it.

Q. Will I finally get a boyfriend/girlfriend?

A. No.

Q. Are you sure?

A. Yeah, I thought it came with the package too.

Q. Do you lose all your money to overpriced drinks?

A. No, not all your money. If you continually ask bartenders to make the drinks with the cheapest type of  liquor they have, then drinks really are not that bad. Then the only thing you are losing is your dignity and sense of taste.

Q. Can I be 21 too?

A. Yes. Everyone has the capability of being 21.  (I tried to find some tips online to speed up the process, but surprisingly couldn’t find any information)

For those of you who are 21, thank you for letting me join to the club with you. It truly has been a great month, and I cannot wait for the next eleven. For those still patiently waiting for your time, know that you are missing out on the greatest joys in the world and it really sucks to be you.

Turning 21 has been passed down from generations in the McLaughlin family. "xx," - Samantha McLaughlin, the newly initiated member, said.
Turning 21 has been passed down from generations in the McLaughlin family. “I was meant to be 21 since the day I was born,” – Samantha McLaughlin, the newly initiated member, said, “The fact that I can legally buy alcohol is scary for everyone.” Samantha is not the only one who is excited that she can partake in 21 club activities. Her mother Kim McLaughlin said, “The 21 club really begins when you get to karaoke with your daughter and her friends.”

Drink responsibly my friends.

 

 

Beauty in a Beach Bod and Other Important Things

It is officially less than a week until Spring Break and I could not be more ecstatic and so irked. Every time I hear someone say that they aren’t ready for Spring Break because they are “fat like an elephant ass,” or “white like an albino squirrel in a snow storm,” (maybe not verbatim) I can feel my double cheeseburger with bacon churning in my big ol’ belly.

Super flirty. Everyone does a picture like this freshmen year. Right?
Super flirty. Everyone does a picture like this freshmen year. Right?

When did Spring Break become a time to be ultra-sensitive about our appearance? Oh ya, when swimsuits are involved.  Spring Break has turned into a time to critically assess our “flaws” and try and adjust them before some random people from other schools can judge our meaty thighs. But have we forgotten the true meaning of the spirit of the holiday? To enjoy a week of no worries filled with questionable judgement and new experiences with friends you love and new friends you will love for only one week — or even one night. People will only remember you for your love handles if you are uncomfortable and bring attention to them.

Needless to say, everyone should feel comfortable in their own skin. And if you aren’t happy in your body and really do believe that you need to tone up — or just be healthier — you have my support. Just do not get caught up in the hype of people trying drastic diet changes and binge working out. It is your body, and there is no reason that anyone or any perception should alter what you feel is beautiful for yourself.

For those more concerned about planning your trip, here are some tips to prepare for Spring Break:

  • Budget. Everyone has a different financial situation. So it is better to know what you can and cannot spend money on throughout the week. There is no shame eating at a Taco Bell three nights in a row if you are running low on funds. There is shame in going to a joint KFC and Taco Bell, eating an ungodly amount of food, and then forcing yourself to throw up.
  • Map. I do not mean map out the directions for the drive. I mean map out all of the walk-able restaurants, grocery stores, ice cream joints, etc. There will come a time when you need to eat and will not be able to drive, or have a car. Then you will thank me. So you are welcome in advance.
  • Music. Every great scene in a movie is orchestrated by the perfect song that fits the situation. It can build you up to be terrified in a horror movie or can bring you to tears in a drama. Compile the music for your road trip, before you go to the beach and when you are getting ready for the night. It will make all of the difference. Or don’t. I will be jamming so I don’t care.
  • Buddy system. Spring Break is one of the best weeks of the year, but it could also be the the worst if you are not careful. Figure out a system that works best for you and your friends and make sure to take care of each other. Try not to pair with the person you know is into arson and strippers. Unless of course, that is you. You’re on your own then.
  • Yes. Prepare yourself to say yes to everything — mostly everything. Never thought you would get in the ocean when it is more frigid than the Antarctic? Never thought you would enter in a dance-off to “Baby Got Back”? You were wrong. Because Spring Break is a yes week, and you are doing it with a smile on your face. With that said, steer away from anyone with a video camera. Keep your middle finger down and your boobs tucked safely away for future you.
  • Pack light. Literally and figuratively. Remember you will probably be only in a swimsuit and a tank top on the beach, and maybe not even go out every night. More importantly, drop all of the grudges and silly tedious fights that you have with your friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, your neighbor, your statistic professor who scheduled a test the Monday after your trip and the post office who didn’t deliver that item you needed on the beach. Bring no negative emotions, because we are lucky enough to be alive, and look forward to a whole week of fun and debauchery.

Remember that Spring Break is a time to be happy. So lose yourself in the annual experience of blissful, enchanting and euphoric — I know that is redundant, but it feels necessary — adventures that wait for you at your destination.

Cheers to Spring Break ladies and gentlemen.
Cheers to Spring Break ladies and gentlemen.

21-Year-Overrated

LameDo you feel like everyone around you is turning 21? Does it feel like every time you go out you see less and less of the people you call your friends? Are you the oldest person at a house party? Then you, my friend, are suffering from Latebirthdayosis. This disease is very prevalent on college campuses, but do not fear, we can fight through this together.

The symptoms of Latebirthdayosis include:

  • You have made more shotbook pages than you can count on five hands, and in return you have received zero.
  • When people talk about the bars you feel anxious, exasperated and alone. The bars have taken your friends, and it feels like they do not want you at all.
  • Mild depression due to FOMO.
  • You find yourself staying in more than usual and you have started to become accustomed to it. Possibly enjoy it as well. Anything is better than seeing younger college students actin’ a fool. You’re too old for that (yet too young for the bars).
  • You’re washing more t-shirts than in recent months. Who needs to dress up to eat a pizza and watch Home Alone when you are alone at home — see what I did there?

If you or a loved one is suffering from Latebirthdayosis then it is time to take a new outlook on this disease.

There are actually some positives to this diagnosis:

  • You are not required to attend your friend’s 21st birthday bar hop on a Tuesday and do not feel awful on Wednesday in your 8:30 a.m. Microbiology class.
  • No obligations of dressing up, putting on makeup or wearing pants.
  • You are closer in age to being a child and not fully considered an adult. Thus, allowed to act whichever way you want without judgment.
  • More of your friends will be able to celebrate your 21st birthday with you. They will also have a good knowledge of the best places to hit up.
  • Your bank account takes less of a beating due to opting out of paying for overpriced shots and late night drunk food.

It is time to stop feeling bad for yourself and take advantage of having a late birthday. Use your extra cash and calories to treat yourself to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. While your friends are running around the bars, go to a trampoline park and lose your shit. Stop daydreaming about the bars and enjoy your nights. The possibilities are endless. Except for the bars. The bars are not a possibility.

Cheers to not being 21!
Cheers to not being 21-year-overrated!