The Stages of Singledom

The stigma that being single reflects poorly on an individual is dead. We live in an era where it is not only acceptable, but somewhat praised to be a single adult. There are very few things that I truly excel at, but after twenty years of being single I would like to consider myself an expert. Being a third year college student I have been able to witness all of the ins and outs of people in relationships; whether they are seriously dating a lady/gent, just started a new fling with a beau, taking in any strays off the street or simply living the glorious single life. I’ve seen it all. And with the knowledge of all of the these men and women, my favorite people to be affiliated with — and be around — are single.

I do not want to dismay people in relationships, nor do I think less of them, but I would like to shed some light on the wondrous adventures each stage of singledom has to offer.

Stage 1 – Acceptance

Everyone at some point in their life is single. It happens more often than not for most people in their teens and young adult life. Do not be ashamed. Freedom is your new relationship. You can do anything your heart desires. There are no boundaries to the places you can go or people you can see. You live life on your own time. And that time is boundless fun.

Stage 2 – Support

Now that you appreciate your FB status, it is time to experiment with it. Being single is not fun if you do not have people to celebrate with you. Text your closest friends and tell them you need a girls/boys night. It is time to go out on the town and make a damn fool of yourself. Sounds like a good time to mix a gangster themed night with some late night karaoke. Then go home and eat a whole pie. Swimsuit season is almost over and you won’t have to worry about anyone checking out your spare tire.

Stage 3 – Make or Break

You’ve tested the waters and have ruined your liver for the time-being. Now it is time to decide if this is the lifestyle that you truly want. Do you enjoy the uncomplicated sensation of being free? Yes. Or do you want to be chained down? No. Right now is the time to decide if you want to put yourself on the market or sign the lease to fun.

Stage 4 – Rinse and Repeat

If you have successfully made the correct decision, then it is time for some more fun. Take stage 1 and 2 and combine them. With this spunky, exciting combination you will be able to enjoy the freedom of finding yourself while partaking in some interesting evenings. There is nothing holding you back to do what ever your wildest imagination can create. Put on your wings and fly, because the possibilities are endless.

I might be the only person who buys flowers for myself, but I always get the ones I want.
I might be the only person who buys me flowers, but I always get the ones I want.

Do not be discouraged young single ladies and gentlemen. It is our time to be celebrate our lives and take in all of the exciting opportunities that we can experience. Stop worrying about finding your future spouse. Stop trying to fit to a mold encouraging you to have every moment of your life planned out. Simply be fun, wild and free.

Throughout my singledom I have become accustom to doing many things solo, I have grown to enjoy my own company more than others and most importantly I learned how to watch a sunset alone and it feel completely normal. If you think that is depressing then you can suck it. I love myself and I love being single. So join me if you may where the grass is greener and the air is less polluted with bullshit.

Our youth is short-lived so do all the things you can imagine — no strings attached.

True Life of a Bro

Beautiful Tomboy
Future Miss America.

As a child, I remember the daunting feeling of hating dresses. I thought to myself that no other girls will accept me for wearing my brother’s hand-me-downs, watching Dragonball Z and wanting to be the red Power Ranger instead of the cliche pink girl. Until middle school, I stuck with the boys. Mostly because I looked like one, but also because boys did not care about my short, middle-part bob and the way my brother’s ratty pants would sag off my round body.

Whenever I found out what it meant to be a lady, I quickly realized that it was too late. I was never taught the fundamentals of hair-braiding or makeup-wearing because whenever I was at sleepovers I would be playing video games with my best guys friends or getting my ass kicked by my brother. When I finally decided that I should make friends that shared the same anatomy as me I realized that my perception of the girls around me was skewed. No one thought less of me because of my cut-off tee. On the contrary, I was taken in like the vagabond Simba — post Mufasa death. When I returned to Pride Rock the females took me in and groomed me to at least look like one of them. They knew I would never hunt the exact same way, but nonetheless they taught me their basic techniques.

As I have grown into a woman I am realizing that I am lucky to be born into a generation where women like me have have a place in society. Us “bro’s” hold balance for men and women alike. We set the path for future generations of tomboys. So young ones beginning the journey to becoming a bro, welcome to a wonderful world. To those who walk the path with me, enjoy the ride. And to those still confused by us, I will help enlighten your soul.

Bailey looking dapper as always.
Bailey looking dapper as always.
  • Fundamentals of Bro-dem. I think the term “bro” (when referring to women) basically means to never let go of the tomboy inside. When we were kids, the  tomboy species loved to get gross, play hard and leave the boundaries. Now as semi-adults we like to talk gross, party hard and cross boundaries. Never let the tomboy die, that spark in you will help you overcome challenges once thought impossible. Like beating everyone you encounter in Mario Kart for N64. Challenge me if you dare.
  • To be a bro, is to embrace the bro. It is always uncomfortable watching women half-ass being a bro. These women make occasional crude comments, comments about food and talk mildly about bodily functions — but only the PG ones. The benefits of being a bro is completely destroying any filter you once had before. Try it. Look someone directly in their soul. Tell them you can out drink him. And then do it. I know you can.
  • The life of a bro is a difficult path. Although generally most bros tend to not care about the opinions of others, bros are people too. And being a human being comes with having emotions. So when you come upon a bro and she looks pretty, maybe even wearing a dress and heels, do not look at her like she is of the indigenous race of the Nav’i. Bros are still women, who can look absolutely breathtaking. Take me for instance. But, when she does burp in your face and tell you to “eat it,” acknowledge her beautiful sense of style and even more beautiful sense of classiness. Not everyone can walk with the best of us. So I give you fair warning.

Bails and Sails

I live the life of the bro, because it is who I am. I do not wish to be a man. I do not want think women should strive to be men. I just believe that for me, true happiness lies on the fundamentals of being carefree, dressing comfortably and sitting with my legs open. And for all the boys out there who are “one of the girls,” I respect you too. Keep doing you.

So embrace yourself. You dirty little tomboy.

Ignorant Dating Advice

Image
Single like my dear friend Betsy? I will help you catch and keep a date in no time.

Interaction is a huge component to a human being’s happiness. People need to be loved, touched and appreciated. Regardless of the physical aspects, dating helps you learn a lot about yourself. It helps you determine your temperament, time management and the importance of sharing. That is why having relationships is key to having a successful life. At least that is what I have learned from all of the people I have dated in my life. All zero of them.

I think when it comes to giving dating advice ignorance may be bliss. I have never been struck by the epidemic of “true love,” approached by my “soul mate” (although I did feel flutters in stomach when I had my first Dirty Curty) or ever been on a date. Ever. Thus, making me unbiased. So before you hit the town with the new person in your life, here is some quick dating tips to make your night the last first date you will ever have.

  • Be new. Since it isn’t the 1900s anymore, asking people on a date has slowly dwindled down to texting a quick “won 2 hng?” or moving to the corner of a party and sharing a Solo cup. Regardless of the current social norm, it is time to break the mold and ask someone on a date via karaoke. All of the best moments in history happened right before or immediately after a good karaoke sesh. For instance: MLK’s infamous speech, Ellen DeGeneres’s coming out and as recent as His Royal Highness Prince George’s of Cambridge birth.
  • Be yourself. When you successfully have obtained the date of your dreams it is time to show her/him that you can handle your own. Are you going on a dinner date? Challenge them to the 70 oz. steak challenge. Loser buys. Movie date? Pick the scariest movie they have, sit front row and watch it upside down. Your nightmares won’t even know how to process the change of gravity. Romantic walk? Turn it into a brisk run by playing tag. Not just with each other, but everyone in the vicinity. You can learn a lot about a person by their willingness to recreate childhood games.
  • Be bold. After the person you have wooed has opened up to the possibility that they are in love with you, it is time to make the move that can secure your rightful spot in her/his heart. Change your last name to theirs by the third date and tattoo their face on your upper back. It worked for my parent’s 29 year marriage so it will work for everyone else. (sidenote: Laurie Tilley does not have a tattoo of my father’s face nor did she take his last name and vice versa)

Whoever life throws at you, always be prepared to make them your number one boo.

Image
They took my advice and have been together for almost thirty years.

Summertime Sadness to Happiness

Everyone looks better in the summer.
Everyone looks better in the summer.

The end of summer is the equivalent to the beginning of a run. I am always caught by surprise when it’s upon me, believe it is a myth until it is actually happening, immediately regretting the lack of preparation and just wanting to go back to my couch, food and television. Thank god they both happen only once a year. Or never for the run.

While summer winds down, I am slowly realizing that I did not get to do all of the fun things I would have liked to have done. But it is not too late. With only two weeks left before having to return to the booming city of Stillwater, Okla., I vow to accomplish some goals. And I ask you to join me. Yes, you. Who and where ever you are.

  1. Spend a whole day watching a series of a show. Go make yourself breakfast, lunch and dinner because once the pilot episode starts you are in it for the long haul. While you are making your meals don’t forget to make your three snacks, dessert, fourth meal, big mac and fifth meal. That’s a normal food intake right? If you cannot think of a show to watch I recommend The Newsroom. It will change your life.
  2. Take a mini-cation. Take a quick trip with a buddy or two and drive an hour to the next city over. Bust out the sunflower seeds and the songs that you love to listen to, but pretend you’ve never heard. If you are close to the Tulsa area then head on over this weekend and attend the Center of the Universe Festival. It’s free. And I will be there.
  3. Try something new. Like anything. Take twerk lessons. Try baking an ornament. Eat crayons. Build a house. Dye your skin blue. Punch a cat. Steal an elderly women’s shoe. She will laugh later in life. Depending on how much life she has left. Actually don’t do that. I recently tried getting bitten by fire ants. Not very fun. I didn’t know they actually existed until I went to hell (Texas).
  4. Hang out with your best friend. Let’s be honest. We all have one best friend. Mine is beautiful, funny and perfect. She gets me. Probably because she is me. So get away for an hour or ten and just hang out with yourself. You might come to realize that you are cooler than you thought. You probably aren’t, but it is worth a try.

However you decide to finish this summer season just have as much fun as you possibly can. Experience your life every moment you can.

Indulge your fantasies. Leave your city. Try new. Reintroduce yourself to you. Be free.

Dress Like You Mean It

Doin' MeFrom the wise words from many people, “dress to impress.” Or is it “dress for success?” Regardless, it is definitely important to look your best whenever you can. Dress it up when you go to work, class or even when you go to the gyno. When I say dress up I don’t mean put on some gold heels or some stupid sparkly dress. I mean dress up like you are attending a themed party that is the perfect theme for your individual sense of style. For example: laid-back rockstar,  polka-dot palooza, sweatsuit Saturdays, etc. Shock yourself with buying that new fish print shirt, or those botanical butt shorts you’ve been dying to try on. Whatever you do, surprise yourself with something new and flirty. Thus, I dare change the quote to:

“Dress to make people stop, look, start walking, stop and look again.”

I know when people first see me they instantly know that I am a fashionista (and a maxxonista). People think “maybe she is born with it.” To which I would like to respond, “yes, I am.” If you are not #blessed like me, gaining a sense of fashion is definitely obtainable. All you need is two things:

  1. A human or dog body (I am so sorry to discriminate against cats, I hate them)
  2. Confidence

Can it really be that easy? Yes it can. Fashion is in the eye of the beholder. If you think you look good, then you do. If you feel most confident in a Hawaiian shirt then put it on and go to a party. If a camo jumpsuit makes you feel sexy, then wear it to the next bar mitzvah you attend. I know that I feel confident when I wear a man’s flannel, so I wear it for many occasions. Doesn’t mean I am a man, mom and dad.

So let me help you decide what you should wear with a little help from some super confident and beautiful women: Betsy Slagle and Rebecca Sheehan. Check out the slideshow below to get some tips for your next outfit.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Be you. Dress you. Fall in love with mirrors. And don’t forget that you can be fashionable just like me.

Guidelines to Fat Jokes

FJOverused and under-appreciated, fat jokes can be the highlight of any dull moment. But just like fedoras, they can be tricky and should not be tried by everyone (or anyone). Unlike fedoras, they are fashionable and can be used to help you with your social life.

The simple question “Is that a fat joke?” has made me the person I am today.

Fat jokes (FJ) can make or break new friendships. Thus, I have constructed a list to help you succeed with your circle of friends. Trust me, I have a short lifetime of knowledge on being the big girl making the FJs.

  • Be big. If you are large and in charge, FJs are ours for the taking. Enjoy them. Not everyone gets to seize the opportunity. Note: Big butts don’t permit FJs, but do permit phat jokes (PJs).
  • Size does matter. If you are not of the appropriate size, FJs are only acceptable if the big people in the room are willing to embrace them. If you are a twig, it is never OK for you to make an FJ. Ever. That is like Paula Deen at the BET Awards. It’s uncomfortable for everyone. If you are in the healthy weight range then check your surroundings and ask yourself three questions: Will I offend people? Will the people I am with think I am joking or actually believe I think I am overweight? Is it worth the risk?
  • Do not fish for compliments. Do not use FJs as a way for people to reassure that you are in fact not fat. You are not Regina George. Instead, use FJs after you consume that second round of fish n’ chips. Use them at a baby shower when you are larger than Nicki Minaj’s left butt cheek. Use them when you bend over too quickly to beat the five second rule and your jeans rip. Do not use them as insults.
  • Love more than a fat kid loves cake. Never, I repeat, never use them as ways to make others feel like they are fat. FJs are fun, but when used incorrectly can really damage a person’s self-esteem. There is nothing I find more offensive than a skinny person abusing my privilege of FJs. I earn them with every second helping of chocolate cake I consume. And the easiest way to abuse an FJ is to use it incorrectly. So please, joke responsibly.

For all those daring enough to try FJs, please remember these guidelines next time before you open your big, fat mouth.

The Introduction of the First Commencement to the Beginning Induction

As I began contemplating the theme for this blog, I began thinking of my many interests. I thought about fried food, superheroes, college, sweaters and dinosaurs. Obviously, any one of these topics could be a platform for a dynamic blog. But why focus on only one of these interests when I can create a masterpiece of any 13-year-old boy’s fantasy from the standpoint of a 20-year-old woman?

So if you choose to check in from time to time I ask that you sit back, relax and enjoy, because that is exactly what I will be doing when I am creating each post. Let the festivities begin!