The Unavoidable Question

What's nextCollege is a wonderful time of life decisions, mistakes and ramen noodles. School work can be tough, but the life of a college student is filled with some of the greatest times that will be cherished forever. Everything is blissfully wonderful until your phone alarm goes off and you are a senior. How did this happen? Who let this happen? Mommy, Daddy, help me?

This sudden realization that the clock is half passed euphoria and ticking quickly to reality makes one truly think about their goals in life. It’s a hard decision, deciding how you want to take your next step in life. Do I go to my hometown or go to an unfamiliar city? Do I accept any job that gets offered or do I really stick it out to find something that I love? So, you’re telling me I really cannot wear a t-shirt everyday out there? Did you say budgeting? Explain.

But thank Beyoncé (my version of “thank god”), there will always be someone lingering around waiting to ask you the most delightful question in the book:

Quote 1It’s inevitable that this question will be asked a multitude of times when a student is rearing the end of their college career. It’s a painful thing to answer. One, you don’t want to seem goalless, and two, you don’t want to lie. Is there a happy medium? No, but I will give you some alternatives.

  • In the words of a poet, “get out, (leave) right now.” JoJo could not have said it any better. Figure out a way to get your clueless butt as far away from this person and as close to food quicker than you can say, “jambalaya.” Here are some things you can say:
    • “It means a lot to me that you care, but excuse me for one moment. I am almost positive I just saw Rosie O’Donnell standing in the distance.”
    • “I am sorry, I didn’t catch that. I can’t hear correctly unless I have consumed a cheeseburger in the last thirty minutes. I will be back.”
    • “Excuse me, I am on fire.” (For this one you need to actually light yourself on fire or it won’t work)
  • Casually slip the person that you are talking to a generous donation of an Abraham Lincoln, while you tell them to keep quiet.
    • If you can’t afford that, a GW will work too.
  • After they ask you the question, begin to yell as if you are in a club with loud, electronic music blasting. Just keep repeating, “I’m sorry I can’t hear you, but this DJ is dope,” until they walk away.
  • Smile at them and nod. If they repeat the question, act like you can’t understand the language they are speaking. Like before, keep up the act until they walk away.
  • I don’t consider a non-truth a lie if it is obviously complete and utter bullshit. So get creative.
    • “Actually, Kim Jong-Un has asked me to be his adviser. We are pretty tight. I am leaving for North Korea the day after graduation.”
    • “I have been asked to be a college student for the rest of my life. It’s some social experience. They are making me take pills to grow a beard. I haven’t had the guts to ask them why yet.”
    • “Thank you for asking, I have actually began the slow process of collecting strands of human hair to create the largest hairball in the world. No two hairs can be from the same person as a symbol of unity and humanity. Do you mind if I have your sample?”
  • Reply with  “I don’t know yet. What was your transition like?”
    • Let’s be honest, if the person who is asking has already passed the college stage in their life, all they want to do is reminisce on their years of debauchery. To that I ask that you please do. College stories show a side of a person that you might not expect to be there.

I understand that there are people who know what their next move is. I applaud you, because that is a hard decision to make and I am truly proud that you have figured it out. For those like me, I know it’s hard to answer when people ask the most unrelenting question there is, but know it is OK to still be finding your niche.

I leave you with a quote that I now live my life by.

Quote 2

So now it’s time for you to “get out, (leave) right now, it’s the end of you and me.”


LameDo you feel like everyone around you is turning 21? Does it feel like every time you go out you see less and less of the people you call your friends? Are you the oldest person at a house party? Then you, my friend, are suffering from Latebirthdayosis. This disease is very prevalent on college campuses, but do not fear, we can fight through this together.

The symptoms of Latebirthdayosis include:

  • You have made more shotbook pages than you can count on five hands, and in return you have received zero.
  • When people talk about the bars you feel anxious, exasperated and alone. The bars have taken your friends, and it feels like they do not want you at all.
  • Mild depression due to FOMO.
  • You find yourself staying in more than usual and you have started to become accustomed to it. Possibly enjoy it as well. Anything is better than seeing younger college students actin’ a fool. You’re too old for that (yet too young for the bars).
  • You’re washing more t-shirts than in recent months. Who needs to dress up to eat a pizza and watch Home Alone when you are alone at home — see what I did there?

If you or a loved one is suffering from Latebirthdayosis then it is time to take a new outlook on this disease.

There are actually some positives to this diagnosis:

  • You are not required to attend your friend’s 21st birthday bar hop on a Tuesday and do not feel awful on Wednesday in your 8:30 a.m. Microbiology class.
  • No obligations of dressing up, putting on makeup or wearing pants.
  • You are closer in age to being a child and not fully considered an adult. Thus, allowed to act whichever way you want without judgment.
  • More of your friends will be able to celebrate your 21st birthday with you. They will also have a good knowledge of the best places to hit up.
  • Your bank account takes less of a beating due to opting out of paying for overpriced shots and late night drunk food.

It is time to stop feeling bad for yourself and take advantage of having a late birthday. Use your extra cash and calories to treat yourself to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. While your friends are running around the bars, go to a trampoline park and lose your shit. Stop daydreaming about the bars and enjoy your nights. The possibilities are endless. Except for the bars. The bars are not a possibility.

Cheers to not being 21!
Cheers to not being 21-year-overrated!